By: Wendy Mogel
Introduction by: Freddi Greenberg
As a magazine editor for over 30 years, 15 of which focused on the not-always-objective topic known as parenting, I've seen child-rearing trends come and go and well-meaning parents try them on their kids with varying degrees of success. As the mom of our blended family, I'll admit I tested many of them out on our five now-grown kids, but often went back to what my parents did with me. Doing the right thing, being kind to others, and being a good person were constant themes. It wasn't until a few years ago, when a group of young moms I was interviewing told me about a book that used Jewish teachings as a guide for raising kids, that I realized that much of my parents' approach to raising me and my brother came from the Torah and my father's frequent dabbling in Talmudic study.
Flash forward 50 years to the book that had become a bible: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children (Penguin Books) by clinical psychologist Wendy Mogel, Ph.D. Mogel's near-cult-status book uses Jewish teachings as the basis for raising strong kids, and it's been embraced by parents and experts regardless of their faith. It grew out of Mogel's 15-year Los Angeles-based practice, in which she noticed parents so eager to do right by their kids that they overindulged, overprotected, and overscheduled them. It was her search for ways to help her clients with raising kids in the modern world that inspired her to look beyond science to the Torah, the Talmud, and other Jewish teachings.
"One key message that comes through loud and clear from these ancient books," Mogel says, "is that we need to raise kids to be good people, not just to be good at things. Once parents get this and adjust their thinking, it puts their fears to rest, they relax, and their kids do, too."
Mogel, who with her husband of 29 years has two teenage daughters, is currently putting the finishing touches on the book's sequel: The Blessing of a B-Minus, for parents of teens. Mogel agrees that perhaps the most crucial lesson for parents of kids of any age is finding the right balance between being overprotective and neglectful. Turns out that these five keys, adapted from The Blessings of a Skinned Knee, are as relevant today in raising strong, resilient, and good kids as they were when they first appeared as Torah teachings. — FG
1. Teach Your Child to Swim
Almost every Biblical and mythical hero was afraid before venturing out on a great journey. Your little heroine will be too, when starting day camp or swimming lessons. If you believe that fear is always a reliable indicator of danger, your child will believe this as well. Having the courage not to pamper and overprotect your child means that sometimes she will be uncomfortable, unhappy, or even in peril, but that you are willing to take a chance because of your commitment to her growth and development. Source: The Talmud
2. Embrace the Unembraceable
Many good parents don't realize the value of having a difficult child in the classroom. When the behavior is not extreme or dangerous, the potential for social learning is enormous all around. A difficult child gives the rest of the children a chance to develop compassion, build their conflict-resolution muscles, learn how to work despite distractions, and grow as an inclusive group. Source: The Torah
3. Let Them Forget Their Lunch/Sweater/Homework
Free will is the attribute that will define your child's life. How she makes decisions and chooses between right and wrong will directly influence everything else. Letting your child learn to exercise free will doesn't mean being permissive. It means allowing her to make less-than-perfect choices and to learn from them. Begin by giving her a chance to mess up. A few hunger pangs at noon is the best lesson to teach her to check her backpack to see if her lunch bag is in it. Source: The Kabbalah
4. Make Room for Beauty and the Beast
There's a Jewish blessing that is said when one sees exceptionally beautiful people or experiences a wonderful moment. And there's one to say when noticing strange-looking people or animals. One summer, my family and I stayed at a hotel in Israel that housed a large group of what the Israelis called "special people" (mentally and physically disabled adults) enjoying their government-sponsored beach holiday. My children had never seen people who looked or behaved like them. But after a summer in close contact—prolonged handshakes, being entertained at their nightly talent show—our children became comfortable with their differences. Ultimately, I felt grateful that my daughters had an opportunity to learn more about the variety of life than they ever could at home. When we shelter our children from people who are different—and even, in some cases, frightening—they'll be too easily shocked and frightened as adults. Source: The Prayer Book
5. Try a Little Toughness
Young children adjust their level of upset up or down depending on their parents' facial expressions or gestures. If a child is distressed and sees Mom react with panic, he knows he should wail; if she's compassionate but calm, he tends to recover quickly. Treating children's daily distresses as expected and unalarming discourages them from turning small difficulties into big dramas. We can help them become calmer and more resilient by staying calm ourselves. Source: The Torah
