By: Lynne Meredith Schreiber
We've all been to the bris where the room buzzed about the perfectly pulled-together new mom. Hair? Gorgeous. Manner? Calm. And the spread on her dust-free dining room table? Scrumptious, even stylish. Where did she get those orange-cranberry muffins?
More often than not, though, the new mother is exhausted and overwhelmed, caught up in a swirl of hormones and all-night nursing sessions. Postpartum parents are supposed to throw a party in this condition?
Planning a big life-cycle event just days after coming home from the hospital doesn't have to be daunting. Here are eight basics about the covenant of circumcision—and the celebration of brit milah (commonly known as bris)—designed to demystify the experience so you can be one of those cool and collected parents that everybody admires… and kind of hates at the same time.
1. The eighth day.
The Torah portion of Tazria cites the eighth day after the birth for a bris. "God created the world in seven, so eight is one step better," says Rabbi Moshe Shulman, a St. Louis mohel. "Plus, every baby should experience one Shabbat before being circumcised."
2. Who does it?
A father is obligated to circumcise his son—but he can transfer that obligation. "Line up a mohel before the baby's born, even if you don't know [the gender]," says Rabbi Donni Aaron, director of the Berit Mila Program of Reform Judaism in Los Angeles. The program provides religious education and training for qualified doctors and certified nurse-midwives so that they can perform the ritual circumcision. Get referrals, she says. Particularly good ones come from parents who are also physicians, adds Shulman.
3. Bestow honors.
There are a number of roles to be played during the ceremony, and it's up to the new parents to decide who does what. According to tradition, it's good luck for a childless couple to serve as kvatter, bringing the baby into the ceremony on a pillow. The sandak holds the child during the circumcision. This top honor is usually given to a grandfather. The sandak sheini holds the baby during naming.
4. Don't invite.
If asked to do a mitzvah, you shouldn't turn it down, says Shulman. That's why some people don't technically invite guests to a bris: They don't want to put them in the position of having to decline. Instead, make informative phone calls: "We had a baby boy, and there will be a bris on Monday at 10."
5. If you have to put it off…
Any medical issue can be cause for calling off a bris. "We would rather delay than complicate the baby's health," Shulman says. "Lose the mitzvah of the eighth day and preserve the life of the baby."
6. Name notions.
At Hayden Zeiger's Chicago bris, whispers rippled through the room: "What's his name?" Ilise and David Zeiger, Hayden's parents, didn't reveal their son's name before the bris, maintaining an element of excitement. It is customary in some circles—and considered good luck—to keep the name a secret until the bris. Ashkenazi Jews often name the baby after a family member who is no longer living. In such cases, Aaron suggests that family members speak about the person after whom the baby is named.
7. Say a prayer.
There are two key blessings at a bris: The mohel says one, on the mitzvah of milah, and then the father recites one about bringing his son into Abraham's covenant. Sephardic Jews also say Shehecheyanu, the universal Jewish prayer thanking God for bringing us to a special moment.
8. Plan a party.
In following the imperative to rush to do a mitzvah, many parents host morning events—but any time of day is fine, as long as it's before sundown. Most people serve brunch food—eggs, quiche, and bagels and smoked salmon—or a deli lunch, with platters of meats, side salads, and cake. If you can, consider handing over the responsibility of bris planning to someone not recovering from childbirth. A friend or family member can help compile a menu and guest list, order the food, and even host at your house or hers.
